Quitting Burnout
Whether burnout has been on your mind for a while, or something you’re just considering as part of your health equation, I wanted to share my experiences on finding myself in the depths of burnout and how I’m working to climb my way out of it.
While this term gets thrown around often these days, “burnout” itself isn’t (yet) a clinical diagnosis. That said, many practitioners (particularly in the mental health field) are starting to formalize the condition of burnout as: a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Does that resonate with anyone else? After the last couple of years, it seems most are struggling with this in one way or another.
Recognizing Burnout
Like most high-achieving women, I’ve lived in a fairly constant state of stress for as long as I can remember. Since pre-adolescence, I have placed high pressure on myself to perform in almost every way - from sports to school to career. Add to that a dash of trauma, a few significant physical injuries and the earthquake that is creating humans and becoming a parent, it’s a recipe ripe for all sorts of trouble. This kind of chronic stress recipe is a perfect breeding ground for autoimmune disease, and especially for an otherwise latent virus such as Epstein Barr to reactivate. We know this.
Like most of you, I felt ALL of this chronic stress long before 2020. Then a global pandemic set in. Then many horrific racist murders occurred. Then an intense US election. Then a seditious riot at the capital. Then rights started getting stripped by the supreme court. Babies are getting shot in schools and parades. And so on…And all the while, our childcare and school support system is in shambles and our families are fighting over masks and vaccines and our employers stopped giving two f*cks about keeping up the grueling pace in the face of a crumbled support structure.
And maybe, like me, you’ve been “leaning in” hard all through this, not wanting to let up for the fear that the promotion (or partnership, or other goal) you’ve worked so hard for, might slip away. You do not only your day-job, but also volunteer to take on more and raise your hand to help with special projects. And then some people you love die (or nearly die) and you take on add some grief to the mix. And so on…
Then one morning, you finally notice how tired you are and how little you care about any of it anymore. It’s a little like depression, but it’s not that. It’s not fatigue exactly either. It’s something more numb.
What is Burnout?
That numbness was an entirely odd feeling for a go-getter like me. I dreaded starting my work days and daily responsibilities (that I typically really enjoy.) I felt tired almost daily, even after a full night of sleep. I wanted to scroll mindlessly, hoping to find a little inspiration. (Pro tip: phones aren’t very inspiring). For the first time in my life, I was getting things done in the nick of time, rather than planned in advance (aka procrastinating.) And maybe most notably of all, my confidence plummeted. (It’s fair to note that I had some rough interactions in the professional realm that didn’t help this, but I was already prone given the circumstances.)
In mid-2021, my colleagues and I were fired up by this article in The Atlantic. We started calling our experiences “flat chicken breast brain.” Everything felt like a sea of sameness. The dopamine was so hard to come by (at least naturally). We were craving the “jeux de vive” that seemed to come easily in pre-pandemic life, even in a chronic-stress environment. One of my favorite authors, Adam Grant, called this “languishing” and the whole internet couldn’t stop talking about it.
Fortunately, with restrictions easing and communities reopening, some of the joys in life are returning. But like any other adjustment, finding the joy takes time and practice to get with this new, old program again. When even vacation feels a little “meh”, you know something is off. Of course if left unaddressed, languishing can turn into burnout - as it did for me.
The clearest difference between stress and burnout is engagement. Stress typically makes you over-engage. You work harder to push through something assuming there will be an end point. The typical outcome of too much stress is anxiety. On the other hand, burnout is a level of stress that creates disengagement. You feel exhausted, daily tasks and work feel flat and unproductive and often people withdraw from social interactions or turn to substances like alcohol in order to cope. Burnout can lead to chronic depression if not addressed. I personally experienced much of the above, but also major sleep disruptions, headaches, forgetfulness and of course, EBV flareup symptoms (both physical and neurological). And instead of wanting to fill the gaps in with more, I found myself wanting to drop all the balls at once and throw my hands up.
Reframing Our View of Burnout
In the business world we have something called “sunk-cost theory”: the flawed notion that because we’ve already invested so much, it’s more beneficial to keep going rather than walk away. My grandmother calls this “throwing good money after bad.” Whatever you call it, it’s clearly not serving us. For most of us, there really isn’t a break of any sort coming on the horizon. We’re pushing through only to accumulate stressors that life is piling up at a record pace. Like clockwork, there’s inevitably another election coming, probably some more Supreme Court bullshit and likely a recession. We’re sprinting like we’re in the 50 yard dash not realizing that we are actually in an ultra-marathon. We aren’t kidding ourselves, but we sure keep trying.
The truth is that pulling back is really the only way to create a recovery cycle. Here are three big lessons I’m learning on this journey:
More isn’t more: Adding to our plates is going to worsen the effects of burnout. In hindsight, I should have pulled back sooner and focused more (especially in my work), rather than overextending myself to continue to prove my worth. This is, in fact, what really great leaders do and I simply couldn’t see through the haze of the past couple of years. We all have a million reasons NOT to pull back. But yes, you can quit the committee! You can stop folding your toddlers clothes. You can likely take a leave of absence (most companies have some sort of benefit for this - even for a couple of weeks.) If you are hustling to make ends meet or own your own business, usually there’s something you can do less of or ask for help on. Start giving yourself permission to do less, even if you feel it is letting someone down. (And why is it we are willing to let ourselves down before others?)
Attention is our most precious currency: We’ve all heard the saying “time is money.” I’ve come to believe that attention is in fact the rarest commodity we all have these days. For example, I have always felt an obligation to stay in touch with the news of the world and have spent my entire adulthood reading the news first thing in the morning. Since January 2021, I have adjusted my level, timing and style of news consumption and my overall outlook is much better for it. I’m far from perfecting this balance, but noticing it is the first step.
Independence Isn’t a Virtue: It might be the latch-key, first-born kid in me, but I’m not really one to ask for much help. I take deep pride in my ability to thrive as a modern, independent woman as a part of my identity. But am I really THRIVING? Um, nope. I’ve been on a journey to be specific about the help I need from those around me, from my spouse to my kids to my professional realm. Sometimes that help looks like housework, but sometimes it’s about support, friendship, career sponsorship and beyond. When others are shouldering the load along with us, it all feels so much lighter.
While some of these learnings are framed as a choice or a mindset, the body ultimately keeps the score. If we are experiencing this kind of stress and burnout and we don’t pull back, our bodies will force us to do so. Personally, am not willing to wait for that, so I made the call and dropped some responsibilities for a bit.
Climbing Out of the Burnout Pit
I dislike the term “work life balance” as work is very much part of life…and hopefully a good part of life if we are so lucky. While many doctors and therapists are honing in on how to best help their patients with burnout, it’s safe to say that much of what burnout sufferers are experiencing is due to an overwhelmingly full plate…of everything. We all have a different set of responsibilities in our lives, but my personal equation of work and life was way off balance. My work was requiring more time, energy, attention and emotional stress than I could tolerate, especially given my underlying health condition. My health was suffering. My relationships were suffering. My contentment with life in general was becoming dull and numb. Here are my top 10 pro tips I’ve been collecting from my doctor, coach, therapist and personal experience:
Get Over the Labels: One of the biggest learnings I’ve experienced in this journey is how much positive impact we can make on others when we take better care of ourselves. Sure, I’m clearly in a better place for my family and we all benefit from that. But numerous colleagues have reached out to say how meaningful it has been for them to see me step away for a period of time. A big hurdle in my own experience was simply overcoming the label of “burnout.” Growing up, I always heard this term as synonymous with “loser” - typically someone who had let something like addiction get the best of them and left a wake of damaged relationships and finances around them. It’s a great reminder that labels don’t define us. You can’t get help from your medical team unless you are willing to share the gory details of what your life is really like. Be honest and open and don’t worry about what they think of you.
Take Something Substantial Off Your Plate: My doctor and I agreed that taking a break and stepping away from my job for a few weeks to focus on my health was my best bet. I am lucky enough to have worked for many years and saved up in order to afford this and I realize that many are not in that situation. I’m simply here to say, try to find a way to take something substantial off your plate. Quit the extra-cirriculars. Stop the PTA and bake sales. Take advantage of every minute of childcare. Stop binging shows that don’t bring you joy. Anything that gives you back precious minutes of time and attention. I even took 8 weeks off of this blog just to give myself extra space, even though it’s something I truly enjoy. Just stop. Most of it, nobody will even notice.
Deprogram Productivity: I don’t mean stop doing things (although that’s good too). I mean to stop measuring your worth by your output. You are a Human Being not a Human Doing.
I recently met a woman who is 9 months into a sabbatical after experiencing a really similar late-career burnout and I asked her advice. She told me it took her 6 months to unwind her need to produce something every day and described her stages of deprogramming, including the the whole-house decluttering stage, the arts and crafts stage and the making up for lost parenting time stage.
First Subtract, then Add Back Slowly: Let’s say you’re fortunate enough to line up a 30 day personal leave (or something similar). Then you decide to take that trip you’ve been longing to go on, pull the kids out of camp so you can spend quality time with them, paint the bedroom and so on…This isn’t a break - this is a transfer of stress of one kind to another. Whatever you are able to subtract from your life, leave it there in the minus column for several weeks (or as long as possible). Resist the urge to add back new activities for as long as you can. No matter how cluttered the garage is, put off the decluttering as long as possible and give yourself a mandate to do nothing for your first chunk of time.
But what will I DO? How can I take time off and DO NOTHING? Remember, we are human BEINGS. I’m working on allowing myself to follow my intuition and the rhythms of nature during my open time. Is it sunny? Do I feel like being near the water? Do I have a lot of energy or a little? Considering all of that, today I’ll walk slowly along the beach. This is not a time for setting achievement goals. This is a time for being present, finding your innate energy and joy and breathing.
This takes some discipline, especially if like me, you have a spouse and family that are used to a very high output from you. To pull back, especially in the long run, you are going to have to define a clear boundary, and then hold to it, even when others don’t like it. This is a daily practice for me and something I’m sure many of us have a hard time with. Remember, you aren’t disappointing them, you are healing so you can be better for you AND others. (PRO TIP: Prepare yourself to explain to friends and loved ones: “I’m taking a break to take care of myself. And no, I don’t have any plans and I don’t want to make too many plans. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to add things back to my plate.” They may or may not understand, but at least you will be clear.)
Take Inventory: I’ve never been one for a “Gratitude” practice. That word is hard for me to be sincere with each day and I have a hard time moving past the gratitude for health and children, etc. But the research is clear that our minds can absolutely be reprogrammed when we focus on finding the good around us - in the form of gratitude, beauty, humor and love. My dear friend gifted me the most fantastic journal from JMBLiving and it’s such a gem. It includes many amazing tools, but the daily prompts are my favorite: What do you have in abundance? What was your best win today? I fill this out morning and evening and in just three weeks I’ve noticed such a change in my thought patterns. What a gift!
Get in Nature: Take a walk. Go on a hike. Sit in a park. Find a body of water and watch it. Look for the sunset. Use all your senses to feel the earth, listen to nature and take it all in.
Sleep. Nap. Sleep More: I am a challenged sleeper in recovery. I have struggled most of my life to sleep well, especially in the summer months. This summer, my goal is to take frequent naps and so far I AM NAILING IT! This is the foundation of all health and should be a key priority with any free time we have.
Let the Dopamine Fix Go: Whether it’s podcast binging or your nightly glass(es) of wine, many of us continue to turn to various crutches to help give us that dopamine hit we experienced when we first enjoyed them. Take a close look at your rituals and decide what you can take a break from, especially rituals that have lost that lovin’ feeling. You can always come back to them, but this will give your brain chemistry space to find a natural joy again.
Let the Brain Flow: I’m not talking about ruminating or spinning on something upsetting or stressful. Rather, I mean make space to let your brain find healthy flow state again. Meditate. Do Yoga. Stretch. Breath. Let the brain start filling back in the bits of life you love, miss, wish and long for. Start to imagine. Start to reminisce. What do you miss doing? What brought you joy at 6 years old? What beauty surrounds you? What have you always wanted to do that you haven’t tried yet? What do you dream of?
As the flow-state of my brain has begun to return, I’ve noticed so many small things that are both joyful or inspire me. For example, I’ve been really wanting to learn to paddleboard. Last year, I took the steps to buy the board and fiddle around with it, but I finally signed up for a proper technique class next week (I’ll let you know how it goes!). Or in another example, I’ve been wanting to stop by this amazing cookbook shop across town for EIGHT YEARS and have never been. Last week, I was in the neighborhood for an appointment and stopped by on a whim.
Find/Refocus on Your Why: Once your brain has some room to breath, you can center back on your life’s purpose and reframe your path forward. If you don’t know your purpose, don’t panic. I didn’t articulate mine until I was 39 years old. You can define your purpose by simply taking some quiet time and asking yourself: what do I want more than anything else in life? And how will I live into that while being in service to others? You’ll know when you’ve found it when you simply can’t fathom anything better. Keep at it and don’t worry what anyone else with think about it or if you think it sounds aspirational enough. Just write it on a post it note and hang it somewhere you can contemplate it and keep honing it as more ideas unfold for you.
Why does purpose matter? Research shows that most of us can’t experience true joy if we are living outside of our purpose and values for a large part of our day. Nearly any job, for instance, can be linked back to your purpose if you are framing it the right way. For example, my purpose is to live in joy and make people’s lives better. I could do this in almost any field, but I choose to do this by innovating new products that solve a need for customers AND by leading teams through a purpose-centered lens. It turns out, that when I’m not making people’s lives better with my day to day work, the joy disappears quickly and I start to find swallowing me.
While I’m still early in my burnout recovery, I am enjoying the intentionality that this time is affording me to apply to my life. Part of any recovery plan is about changing that path forward so that you don’t run right back into the same issues. Recentering on your purpose throughout your life, but especially on the professional front where we spend so much of our time and energy, is key to ensuring you’ll keep thriving when you add things back to your plate.
I believe living in joy is our birthright. I hope you’ll join me on the quest to get back on the path forward, away from burnout culture. And please, as always, share your tips and tricks so we can all learn together!
